A Complaint

[la_marquise]

This is Mooncat. I am not happy. Here's why.
Last week, play human vanished for days and days and days without permission. This is bad, as fuss human does not stay up late enough at night and play with me, and pushes me away when I wake her up with my perfectly reasonable requests for attention. I made it quite clear to her that this was non-negotiable: a cat has rights, after all. But she ignored me and shut me out of the bedroom. This is WRONG. Boy cats get shut out. I do not get shut out. I am the Good Cat of this household.
This unsatisfactory state of affairs persisted for most of the week. It was highly distressing. Finally, on Friday, fuss human provided me with adequate levels of attention, by importing bugshaw and woolymonkey to pay attention to me. I sat in the middle and was Queen and they waited on me. This is Proper. Then, on Saturday, fuss human imported mevennen and T which was even better. mevennen has been properly trained. She did exactly what I told her at all times. I want her to come and live here. They were there all night and T got up at a sensible time and I had lots of fuss. Horus got some too. That was okay but it would be better if he had not been there. But then mevennen and T disappeared. I hunted for them everywhere. Even in the under-the-sink cupboard. I think Ish has stolen them because he is bad. (He stole desperance, too. desperance is mine. I scent-marked him.) All this was very stressful. I pointed this out to fuss human. She said, 'Not now, Bundle' because she is Bad.
Then Play Human came back. I ignored him, because he is Bad, too. He failed to make the proper apologies. I am still ignoring him. I think my humans are broken. I need help. Please send proper fuss.

Comments

[muninnhuginn]

This is Little. I feel sorry for you. My humans is bad, too.

[fleetfootmike.livejournal.com]

Cuddles was going to point out that ignoring Play Human is kind of self-defeating, before Rogue stole the keyboard and suggested that several well-placed nips would get the point over better.

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Mad Max, he say EaT tHe BuggGGGerS.

Oz writes:

[tamaranth.livejournal.com]

You cannot get the staff. Sack 'em all! My Minion has been misbehaving for days. For one thing, she is far too hot to be a comfortable sitting-place: for another, she is not playing 'chase' with me. And sure, she's been here a lot more than usual -- but she buggered off all day on Friday AND on Saturday, which is Not Right.

Re: Oz writes:

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Ish says: spray her. That will a) cool her down and b) make her play chase.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

This is Bakura, Mooncat. Humans can be a sorry lot sometimes. My mom brought a strange cat in from outside. I think he's going to live with us now. Such an outrage! Even after all that, I'm still sitting on her shoulder this morning while she checks her LJ. I am such a good cat.

[woolymonkey.livejournal.com]

scritch scritch stroke brush brush stroke scritch
Who's a beautiful clever civilised girlcat then?
scritch scritch stroke brush brush stroke scritch
Yes! You are, Mooncat! Of course you are.
Superior in every way to stupid boycats.
scritch scritch stroke brush brush stroke scritch
scritch scritch stroke brush brush stroke scritch

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Mooncat encourages her other fans to adopt this model of response.

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

We miss you, beautiful Mooncat! But I am contractually bound to Six Dinner Sid, who is Displeased at the lack of staff over the weekend. You can't win.

[desperance.livejournal.com]

It's a zero-sum game. Mooncat can win. And is prepared to accept the unfortunate corollary, that all other cats have to lose.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Oh, she has no scruples. That blue-eyed beauty hides a heart of pure self-interest. And, yes, adorableness.

[the-faery-queen.livejournal.com]

mooncat, the best way to get let into the bedroom is to meow. a lot. loudly. over and over. until it's just easier to do what you want :) that's what my meg does and it works.

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Max sez KilL, kiLL, kIlL. DiE, dIE, dIe. "£$!%&£$%£"

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Hee. I'm starting to get an ... idea ... of Max...

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

What do you mean, 'beginning to'? I have to live with this maniac. I didn't need to do the 'Is your cat trying to kill you' meme, I have the scars to prove it.

FF

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Hee. I went for some physiotherapy one time and the physio genuinely gasped when she saw my shoulders. "Chaz, what in the world have you been doing to yourself?" I think she was expecting some kind of bondage-related confession; instead I said, "Oh, Sophie is a shoulder-cat. And I didn't have a shirt on yesterday, and she didn't see why that should stop her leaping aboard." I couldn't see it, but apparently the scarring was impressive...

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Claws are not an issue, you can pick Max up stark bollock naked and you won't get a scratch.
Teeth, on the other (ahem) hand...
He's tried to bite my face a couple of times when I've been holding him, that's scary as only my glasses protect my eyes.

He lost his collar last night, must get him another at the weekend, and another tag saying 'Max -HE BITES'. Though, of course, if you are close enough to read it...
FF

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Yup: fundamentally too late.

Both my boys are biters, for they are evil incarnate; but what baffles me is, here they are, two little predators designed to slay and tear and swallow without chewing. They and their teeths are in prime condition; and they will bite me hard enough to seriously hurt (and I am not in fact a wimp about pain) - and yet neither one of them has ever so much as broken the skin. How does that work?

On the other hand, a stray claw from either one will leave me bloody. I don't think they mean it, particularly. They just never got the hang of paddy-paws.

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

Spookie, who loved me above and beyond all things, scratched me quite often, but never in anger, he was clumsy and jumped off my knee with back claws digging in all the time.

Max most certainly draws blood when he bites, oh yeah. Breaking the skin not a problem. And I'm not the only victim, he's bitten visitors and neighbours, if he was a dog, hew would have been put down by now, no doubt about it.

FF

[desperance.livejournal.com]

This is my point, really. Of course they can do it; my boys do it with glee, on many things they are not supposed to have; but people? Not. And I do not know how that works, when they bite so bloody hard. How can teeth be sharp enough to pierce raw chicken skin, but not human skin? Makes no sense to me...

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

That's part of cat physics, you know.
The Torquemada Effect - where four little paws can each find a different nerve to stand on in a leg.
Or the demonstrable fact that the same cat that can drift across a floor of rice paper without even a whisper can thump around upstairs like a small but determined herd of elephants.

FF

[desperance.livejournal.com]

Or he who is light and lithe and wrigglesome can curl up on your lap and suddenly have the mass and momentum of a furry cannonball.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

I love when kitty posts!

[bugshaw.livejournal.com]

fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss

[bugshaw.livejournal.com]

*stretches*

[bugshaw.livejournal.com]

fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss
fuss fuss fuss fuss

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Froom, froom, froom, froom, shed, shed, headbutt, froom.

[pennski.livejournal.com]

Oh that is so soothing to read.

[armb.livejournal.com]

Merry suggests: "Hide under the bed and then nibble their thumbs at 3am". This is why Merry isn't supposed to be upstairs in the evenings.

[anef.livejournal.com]

Dear Mooncat,

I will come and fuss you tomorrow. I am however inadequate - my cats have all left home due to lack of fuss. I hope they will come back one day.

Love,

anef

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I await your attention. Please do not waste it on other cats.