It's really hard, because most of the time the people who say or do the things aren't aware of what they're doing and they are often decent people. They're reproducing a cultural trope, not expressing prejudices they're conscious they have (or, often, that they would want to have). So challenging them is seen as aggressive and unreasonable and hurtful. And if we're female, we've often been socialised to avoid hurting others, and if we're disprivileged it's often unsafe for us to challenge those with more privilege, so we stay silent and the cycle goes on.
Your ex sounds very thoughtful in their approach, though. I do think general discussion is often more productive than focus on specific incidents, but at the same time that lets the cumulative damage go on piling up....