Oh, I so hear you on the being looked at thing. Apart from academic stuff -- I have a persona for that and I know I know my material -- I shudder from being looked at.
I think of you as incredibly brave. Your ability and willingness to do really scary things -- MMA! Maths degree! astounds me, and you are so honest and opne in your writing, too.
And yes on thin sklns. Being an 'author' -- where that is the public person whose work is, rightly, examined and critiqued -- and being a writer -- meaning the person who stares at a keyboard and writes about imagined lives -- are almost antithetical in some ways.