la_marquise: (Horus)
la_marquise ([personal profile] la_marquise) wrote2015-02-20 07:36 pm
Entry tags:

Writing and silence: under the skin.

I had a lovely time at Picocon last weekend. It really is an excellent convention: enthusiastic, lively and full of energy and imagination. I'm very grateful to the committee for having me back. I enjoyed talking to them, too, and the joint panel I did with Ian MacDonald.

Even so, I came away anxious. Here's why: in the questions part of the panel, someone asked us both about gender and power and external pressures and how that intersects with writing. And I found myself saying, "I let them silence me. I let them cut off my hands."

This is the language that Requires Hate used regularly about writers, particularly white women, that our hands should be cut off or broken. And I understand where that comes from, I really do. The damage done by cultural appropriation and misrepresentation is incalculable. I believe to the core of my being that writers -- and especially white writers -- have an absolute responsibility *not* to appropriate, to misrepresent and distort and abuse the culture and lives of others. I do not believe I as a writer have any right whatsoever to help myself to the cultural property of others. It's wrong.

But when I answered that question at Picocon, I wasn't thinking specifically about cultural appropriation. I was reacting out of instinct and fear. Because what my 6 years as a published novelist have taught me above all else is to be frightened. There are those out there who will consider this a good thing, for good reason (there are too many white writers already, and the British have too much space). I was reacting to the internalised voices that tell me I have no right to write. But suddenly I was using the language of violence in this context.

Those voices have been with me a long time. Many writers are riddled with doubt about their writing. It seems to go with the territory, as well as being a product of each writer's particular experiences. They began, as far as I can remember, at university, when I first met the concept of the Important Unpublished Male Writer. Up to then, I'd written in mainly female space and felt safe enough -- I was young in my fanfic circles and the women in their 40s upwards who populated it were wonderfully kind and supportive. My mother was enthusiastic and always encouraged me to write. I had a couple of supportive English teachers, too (thank you, Mrs Parnham and Mr Buck). It was something I did, something that was mine, something I enjoyed and valued.

My Cambridge writing group contained some lovely people, but it was structured around the talent of men. I learnt fairly fast that I would never quite be good enough, because no woman could be. The published writers who were discussed and approved were all men: the women writers were spoken of with a faintly patronising air. They were a bit.... soft, weak, lesser. My boyfriend of the time all but patted me on the head and told me it was sweet I tried to write. I learnt to be silent about writing. When I found wider sf fandom, the atmosphere was exactly the same. Women were not expected to write, and if they did, they should be quiet about it. Selected women were okay: Bujold, McAvoy, Cherryh, but they weren't quite.... There was always a knot of men who were loud and ready to explain why a man would have been better.

I was born before the 1973 Equal Opportunities act. My formative years were in a context in which I officially inferior. My education continued that, even after the law changed. My experiences in employment continued it. As an academic -- and I am a good scholar -- I was nevertheless Not As Good As A Man. And writing.... Everyone knew what my writing was like, without reading a line. Syrupy, conservative, romantic, weak, slush. By 25 I knew I wasn't good enough and never could be.

I learnt to keep quiet. To this day, I hate to talk about my writing and feel deeply unsafe doing it. And then the internet got involved.

I have a bad habit of recalling and internalising negative comments. Fan space and university space had enough of those already. The net.... The second I was published, my writing became public space. Now, there are good things and bad to that. Published books belong to their readers and I am fine with that. The inside of my head, though... I wasn't ready to have that handed over to the world. I'm not talking here about regular reviews. Those are part of the profession, and academic reviews can be much harsher than fiction ones. I've had years of dealing with those. No, the problem was the people who demanded access to my thoughts or told me they knew them better than me, for all sorts of reasons. Some meant well. Most, however, spoke out of existing social and cultural assumptions.

Women aren't quite the same as people.
Women are inherently dangerous.
Women's thoughts, like their bodies, must and should be policed for deviance, and wrong thinking.
Women are public property.
Women have no right at all to any space that is not accessible to anyone at all who wants to see inside there.

I've learnt that, as an Anglo-Welsh woman, I have no right whatsoever over my native cultures -- they belong to the higher social classes, to men, and, alas, to many Americans and I have no right to mind. because that minding is in itself inherently evil.
I've learnt that even as an adult, I must never, ever, speak back to those who are more important than me, because they have more rights than I do.
I've learnt that every word I write is simultaneously both utterly worthless (because female and older female to boot, urgh, disgusting) and subject to complete and utter policing, because without having read a line (sometimes) complete strangers can judge me just because they want to.
I've learnt that it's true, I have no right to write, because I might be in someone else's way.
I've learnt that I should cut off my own hands. As far as RH is concerned -- and as I've said before, I bear her no animus at all in respect of myself, though I am very unhappy about how she has acted to others -- she doesn't need to police me. I've internalised the message. I need to be silenced.

Which leaves me precisely where? I don't know. There are days and weeks on end when I feel like I should stop writing altogether. There's hardly a day at all on which I feel safe to write. I used to feel it was okay to write just for myself, that I could if necessary go back to that private space and give up trying to be published. Now, I don't know. A Fire of Bones is under contract. I'm struggling to get a 100 words a day and I feel the book is worthless. This blogpost feels to me like the unsafest thing I can say, and yet I feel obliged to say it.

And the language I use of my writing has been turned against me. I am sitting here waiting to cut off my hands..

(Metaphorically.)

Edited to add: FFA, if you see this, there have been weeks when your comments have been one of the few things holding me together as a writer.

Skirt of the day: denim.
lagilman: coffee or die (Default)

[personal profile] lagilman 2015-02-20 09:18 pm (UTC)(link)
You have seen me at my most fearful and least confident, so you know it's all a facade. I'm just very good at making myself believe it, too, at need. :-)

and, honestly, I don't trust anyone whose confidence goes all the way to the bone. They're not being truthful with themselves; how can they be truthful to the work?
Edited 2015-02-20 21:18 (UTC)

[identity profile] stina-leicht.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 09:21 pm (UTC)(link)
[hugs] you are worthy. you are worthy. you are worthy.

seriously, you're also one of my heros. :)

Yes, FFA saw this!

(Anonymous) 2015-02-20 09:23 pm (UTC)(link)
And this nonny has said it before elsewhere, but it bears repeating - you have my utmost sympathy and respect. You did not deserve any of the horrible things that happened to you, and I deeply admire the grace and courage you've shown time and again in your public comments on the matter.

~ Edel Blau

[identity profile] saare-snowqueen.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 09:23 pm (UTC)(link)
RH created in the present instance the bulk of your despair, and terror and feelings of being silenced. This is why, no matter how many fake apologies she puts up under however many different names, I will never , ever forgive her for what she has done to you and to so many other writers I know respect and care about.

Like Suricattus and Mevennem and many others, I am not afraid of RH and her venomous clack and I will not be silenced. We will be your voice if needed.

Keep writing. If you need a Beta reader, you still have my e-mail, I think.

[identity profile] fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for pushing past your fears to share this. Not only so we can tell you how we feel about you, but for all the others who've learned to silence themselves as well.

And I'm waiting to read the next book. I'd be waiting if all I was going to get was a text file begged out of you.

[identity profile] dhampyresa.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)
This is a great essay and thank you for writing it. (And I have to say that A Fire of Bones is an amazing title and I can't wait to read the book that goes with it.)

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
That's true. But there seems to be a balance, which I need to get better at finding.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry you've had a hard year. I hope this one is better.
I struggle with anger. I feel angry a lot, but I never know what to do with it, with the result that I spend a lot of time being stressed and anxious....
I do believe that RH is a queer woman of colour. She's been consistent about that for 10+ years. And I do believe that women of colour have every right to express anger and frustration about racism and inequality. I struggle to know how to handle the violent imagery she uses, though.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:00 pm (UTC)(link)
I am also too tall. It's a pain.
And yes on the business of not trying to please everyone. I am so bad at feeling I'm allowed to be me!

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Than k you for being you. You are another inspiration to me.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:00 pm (UTC)(link)
You are very kind. I'm so glad you liked it.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:01 pm (UTC)(link)
I sympathise, I really do. But I hope you are able to take that risk. The more voices the better. Very good wishes to you.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)
That is very good point!
And yes, friends make so much of a difference.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Hugs back.
And thank you. You rock, you really do.

Re: Yes, FFA saw this!

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much. The nonnies have been so kind about me, and it's been invaluable. I rather wish I could buy you all ice cream (dairy free if needed).
And I love the fic recs, too.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
You are very kind. I still believe she has some good and valid things to say, alongside the things that frighten me. And sometimes fear can be constructive.
Thank you so much.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you. You have been so kind and supportive to me: I really really appreciate it.
Much love.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/ 2015-02-20 10:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you. I hope it turns out readable!

[identity profile] miintikwa.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 10:14 pm (UTC)(link)
You are an invaluable inspiration and aid to me. My life would be much poorer without your lovely words in it.

*hugs*

[identity profile] athenais.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
Based on your reading last year at Worldcon the next book is going to be crazy good! I already love The Grass King's Concubine and have reread it several times. No one has the right to deny you your unique voice. Please don't lapse into silence. I need your words. I love their fierceness and clarity and poetry.

[identity profile] fidelioscabinet.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 10:20 pm (UTC)(link)
And I have never seen anything from you but kindness. Even when you're being stroppy about something you're kind.

Let's hear it for kindness!
Kindness does more to grease the axles of the world than any patent product.

[identity profile] dancinghorse.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 10:22 pm (UTC)(link)
You were there when I was in that space. You are one of the main reasons why I've found my way back to the writer self I used to be. (Still slow, still interrupted, but the fear and the silence are gone.)

You matter. Your voice matters. Who you are and what you write are important to more people than maybe you know.

RH is a hateful, poisonous creature who lies. Even the "good" parts are a lie, because of the poison they're steeped in.

I'll do whatever I can to help you find the words again. Just as you did for me.

[identity profile] catherineldf.livejournal.com 2015-02-20 10:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Maybe, though I remain skeptical of any veracity in that quarter. In any case, she/they displayed seriously suspect motives that she/they almost never got called on because of the identit(ies) she/they claimed. Regardless, all I'm trying to say is that I sympathize to the extent I can and that hers/theirs is a voice that should be distrusted.

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