la_marquise (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
la_marquise) wrote2010-12-09 11:18 pm
la_marquise) wrote2010-12-09 11:18 pm
On 'Helpy': a rant
So a while back, I posted about the term 'passive-aggressive' and my reservations about the ways in which it's used (and, in particular, how it can slide into victim-blaming). We seem sometimes to live in a culture (or set of cultures, since there are differences between the English-speaking cultures, however much the internet seems to elide that) which is busy redefining many things as negatives for reasons which I find debatable.
One of those is 'helpiness'. You know, those annoying, patronising, downright hateful people who respond to signs of distress with attempts to alleviate it in some way or another.
I'm exaggerating, of course, but the self-righteousness with which offers of support are sometimes rejected can be downright distasteful.
Now, let's get something straight. I understand the underlying mechanism. I understand that for those with chronic problems, having complete strangers jump in and say 'have you tried X? My next-door neighbour's cousin's plumber swears by it.' The original poster has probably already tried X or rejected it for good reasons. And, a lot of times, they will say something to that effect in their post. 'I'm really tired of thing Y. I've tried all the usual solutions and they haven't helped.' I absolutely understand how annoying it is when someone still jumps in and says 'Oh, but my auntie says Q is the sovereign cure.' I absolutely understand that the comment may well, in the head of the original poster, sound patronising.
But -- and here's my point (finally) -- the person offering the solution almost certainly didn't mean it that way. They may have read the post carelessly. If they have, then that's their error, and they should be more careful in future. But the chances are, they are moved by a genuine sense of concern. They aren't setting out to be rude. They're setting out to be kind and supportive.
And then, they get yelled at, and labelled 'helpy'. Because, in our new post Thatcherite age, kindness is bad, kindness is patronising. Kindness should be stamped on hard. (Sometimes after first being taken advantage of thoroughly, but that's another post for another day.)
I find that rather sad.
I should stress here is that I am not talking about people who respond rather wearily that yes, they tried X but it didn't work/isn't appropriate for their condition or whatever. Nor am I talking about people who state upfront that they don't want advice/help and who then are firm with those who offer it anyway. That's different. Both of those are reasonable positions. What I'm distressed by is the casual labelling of attempted kindness in all circumstances as somehow bad, wrong, reprehensible, deserving of punishment. This latter labelling is selfish -- it's fuelled by entitlement and resentment and a fear of indebtness, all turned inward. It also strikes me as potentially sexist, too, as 'helpy' behaviour is more prevalent amongst women -- we are taught from birth that we have a duty to put ourselves out for others, and yet we collude in a movement to label yet another female behavioural pattern as negative. (It can cut both ways, of course. A former acquaintance used to explode if any man held open a door for her, even if her hands were full, as it was, to her, evil and sexist. But the same men held doors for each other, too -- they were just being observant and, well, decent. But she didn't like the idea of gratitude.)
I see this sort of thing -- this sort of negative labelling -- happening more and more, and it saddens me.
Because, you know, kindness matters. We all benefit from it, day by day. It makes lives less harsh, less sad, less difficult, even if it's only in small ways.
It makes me feel better if someone holds the door for me, for instance, when my hands are full. It doesn't threaten me. I don't see it as part of a global conspiracy to patronise me. I see it as a random act that makes my world a nicer place. And an easier one to negotiate.
I would hate for that to vanish, because the wider culture is down on 'helpiness'.
PS No, no-one has called me 'helpy'. It's just a thing I think about.
One of those is 'helpiness'. You know, those annoying, patronising, downright hateful people who respond to signs of distress with attempts to alleviate it in some way or another.
I'm exaggerating, of course, but the self-righteousness with which offers of support are sometimes rejected can be downright distasteful.
Now, let's get something straight. I understand the underlying mechanism. I understand that for those with chronic problems, having complete strangers jump in and say 'have you tried X? My next-door neighbour's cousin's plumber swears by it.' The original poster has probably already tried X or rejected it for good reasons. And, a lot of times, they will say something to that effect in their post. 'I'm really tired of thing Y. I've tried all the usual solutions and they haven't helped.' I absolutely understand how annoying it is when someone still jumps in and says 'Oh, but my auntie says Q is the sovereign cure.' I absolutely understand that the comment may well, in the head of the original poster, sound patronising.
But -- and here's my point (finally) -- the person offering the solution almost certainly didn't mean it that way. They may have read the post carelessly. If they have, then that's their error, and they should be more careful in future. But the chances are, they are moved by a genuine sense of concern. They aren't setting out to be rude. They're setting out to be kind and supportive.
And then, they get yelled at, and labelled 'helpy'. Because, in our new post Thatcherite age, kindness is bad, kindness is patronising. Kindness should be stamped on hard. (Sometimes after first being taken advantage of thoroughly, but that's another post for another day.)
I find that rather sad.
I should stress here is that I am not talking about people who respond rather wearily that yes, they tried X but it didn't work/isn't appropriate for their condition or whatever. Nor am I talking about people who state upfront that they don't want advice/help and who then are firm with those who offer it anyway. That's different. Both of those are reasonable positions. What I'm distressed by is the casual labelling of attempted kindness in all circumstances as somehow bad, wrong, reprehensible, deserving of punishment. This latter labelling is selfish -- it's fuelled by entitlement and resentment and a fear of indebtness, all turned inward. It also strikes me as potentially sexist, too, as 'helpy' behaviour is more prevalent amongst women -- we are taught from birth that we have a duty to put ourselves out for others, and yet we collude in a movement to label yet another female behavioural pattern as negative. (It can cut both ways, of course. A former acquaintance used to explode if any man held open a door for her, even if her hands were full, as it was, to her, evil and sexist. But the same men held doors for each other, too -- they were just being observant and, well, decent. But she didn't like the idea of gratitude.)
I see this sort of thing -- this sort of negative labelling -- happening more and more, and it saddens me.
Because, you know, kindness matters. We all benefit from it, day by day. It makes lives less harsh, less sad, less difficult, even if it's only in small ways.
It makes me feel better if someone holds the door for me, for instance, when my hands are full. It doesn't threaten me. I don't see it as part of a global conspiracy to patronise me. I see it as a random act that makes my world a nicer place. And an easier one to negotiate.
I would hate for that to vanish, because the wider culture is down on 'helpiness'.
PS No, no-one has called me 'helpy'. It's just a thing I think about.